Apologies and what if’s 

Do you ever find yourself apologising all the time? I did, for everything. All. The. Time.

I think it comes from feeling like such a burden. It is also my inner bitch that tells me I should apologise for being me, because me isn’t good enough.

This road to recovery is a bumpy one. I face all sorts of challenges, including how to shape my life without depression and anxiety. I’m not there yet, I sometimes wonder if I ever will be, but I am stronger than I was before. One of the changes I’ve noticed is that I don’t apologise as much. I’ve noticed this, because when I relapse it comes back. But on my good days (which are more than my bad days, woop woooop!) I do not feel the need to apologise all the time, for taking up space in the world.

Another huge change I’ve noticed is the what if’s are quieter. My brain used to scream what if’s at me if I even thought of planning something! What if I can’t handle it? What if I’m wrong? What if I sound or look stupid? What if people don’t like me? I could go on for hours.

The what if’s are still there, they are just not as overpowering. I’ve made plans! I’ve made plans months in advance! I heard all those what if’s, I listened, I took it in, then I dismissed them and did it anyway.

Maybe recovery isn’t being anxiety or depression free. Maybe it’s just being stronger than both. Maybe my future doesn’t have to look so bleak. Maybe I can listen to my anxiety, provide reasonable answers to the what if’s and move on. Maybe I can sit with the sadness, feel it, then move on. I’m doing that more these days.

I’ve had setbacks. I’ve cried myself to sleep and I’ve allowed myself to get so worked up with anxiety, that I was sick. I’ve shut myself away and told people that I just need to be alone. I’ve cried at my boss and said I was struggling to cope. But I’ve also made plans. I’ve had good days, really good days. I’ve made progress and ticked things off my newly formed (and ever increasing) bucket list. Heck, I have a bucket list!! There was a time I didn’t plan to be around long enough to do anything. Now I’m writing bucket lists and knowing that I have my whole life to do the things on them!

Recovery is bumpy, it won’t be perfect, some days you’ll feel like it’s so hard that you can’t go on. You’ll tell yourself (as I did many times over the years) it’s easier to just be sad and alone. Because I’d been sad so long that I didn’t know how to be happy. Who am I without the anxiety and depression? Well it’s looking like I’m one badass bitch who can do anything she wants to do! Because old me may say what if? But the new me is saying do it anyway!

Speak up!

So recently, I’ve felt haunted by things that have happened to me in the past. I’ve been so haunted I’ve not slept properly, I can’t focus properly, I am up and down like a yo-yo and feel like I’m balancing on the edge of a cliff.

There are many things going on and these memories coming up have added to my already overflowing worries. These are things that I thought I had dealt with, that I was over. The truth I am realising, is that I stamped them down so far that I didn’t even think it affected me anymore.

It wasn’t until I was forced to relive it and talk about it, that I realised how not over it I am. I realised how it has affected so much of my life and how it still does. It changed me, changed my perspective, my expectations of people, the way I think of myself.

I questioned my recovery… was I just stamping it down like I did before? Was I only ignoring it until forced to deal with it again? Has all this blogging and trying to change my attitude been for nothing?

The answer is no.

Today I asked for help. I spoke up and told people how much I was struggling, I told them and I asked for help. Seemingly a small step, to the people I spoke to, it wouldn’t seem like much. To me, it was everything. I never started this to say it’s all better now, I started this so people wouldn’t feel alone. So that people wouldn’t be afraid to speak up. Well today I practiced what I preach. It wasn’t easy and I am drained, but it had to be done. I could feel myself slipping, so I chose the one thing I could influence now, I took control and I did it.

The first step is admitting you have a problem. I admitted it to myself, I admitted it to others and now it’s time to take the next step… I’m not sure what that is yet… I’ll figure it out as I go!