So recently, I’ve felt haunted by things that have happened to me in the past. I’ve been so haunted I’ve not slept properly, I can’t focus properly, I am up and down like a yo-yo and feel like I’m balancing on the edge of a cliff.
There are many things going on and these memories coming up have added to my already overflowing worries. These are things that I thought I had dealt with, that I was over. The truth I am realising, is that I stamped them down so far that I didn’t even think it affected me anymore.
It wasn’t until I was forced to relive it and talk about it, that I realised how not over it I am. I realised how it has affected so much of my life and how it still does. It changed me, changed my perspective, my expectations of people, the way I think of myself.
I questioned my recovery… was I just stamping it down like I did before? Was I only ignoring it until forced to deal with it again? Has all this blogging and trying to change my attitude been for nothing?
The answer is no.
Today I asked for help. I spoke up and told people how much I was struggling, I told them and I asked for help. Seemingly a small step, to the people I spoke to, it wouldn’t seem like much. To me, it was everything. I never started this to say it’s all better now, I started this so people wouldn’t feel alone. So that people wouldn’t be afraid to speak up. Well today I practiced what I preach. It wasn’t easy and I am drained, but it had to be done. I could feel myself slipping, so I chose the one thing I could influence now, I took control and I did it.
The first step is admitting you have a problem. I admitted it to myself, I admitted it to others and now it’s time to take the next step… I’m not sure what that is yet… I’ll figure it out as I go!