Autumn

I am so excited to be heading into autumn. The cosy clothes, the beautiful colours, Halloween! I believe I got this love of autumn from many places. Firstly because it is my sister’s favourite time of year, you grow up around the excitement that she displays at anything autumnal, you would love it too. The joy it brings her is infectious!

Another place it came from was the excitement that summer was over.

Before you stop reading now with outrage, hear me out!!

I used to hate summer. I have been overweight a looooong time, let me tell you, overweight in a heatwave, when you have zero confidence is a disaster. The chub rub alone is a good enough reason to hate it! If you don’t know what chub rub is, be grateful!

Summer is hard work when you’re fat and hate yourself. Go back a few years and I wouldn’t go anywhere without a cardigan on regardless of the weather, nobody ever saw the top of my arms. Ever. My best friend knew me years before she ever saw me without a cardigan on. I never felt comfortable in summer, that ‘need’ to have the perfect summer body was crushing.

This summer I have loved. Back last year I started taking my cardigan off in public, but I was still ashamed. This year I just don’t care. If you don’t like it, don’t look! I’ve also loved this summer because of this lovely journey of recovery I’m on. It’s had some shit times, I’ve had melt downs, but mostly I’ve been good. I have been rediscovering myself and I’ve got to say, it’s weird.

I am changing, like the seasons, but like the great British weather, I just don’t know what to expect. If you’d told me six months ago where I would be now, I probably would have laughed in your face. Just writing this now I can’t believe how much has changed in that time.

I have spent so many years just being sad all the time that I don’t really know who I am without it. I don’t miss the depression at all, but that was my comfort zone so to speak. It wasn’t comfortable, it was hell, but at least I knew who I was, I was the sad girl who couldn’t do anything because of the crippling anxiety and depression. Now I have a bucket list as long as my arm and I am actively looking for opportunities to tick things off!

I still have many things to work on, I’ve got me some big ass demons! Triggers that I never really noticed before because I was just always sad, my life was one big trigger. Now that it’s not all the time I notice it. The great thing is, if I know what the trigger is I can work on it. I’ve got some freaking awesome people around me who are helping me to work these things out. I know I have a long way to go, I know I have some major things to work on. I am working on them though, I am working on myself. I am changing like the seasons and working on being the best version of me.

I know so many people still struggling, but seriously, if I can claw my way out of the depression ditch, so can you! You’ve got this, you just have to be patient and don’t beat yourself up for the setbacks. Don’t be afraid to change, to focus on yourself, don’t apologise for your bad days and don’t ever give up.

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