Do you ever get those days that you say fuck off more than anything else?
I am one of those people that swears like a sailor so I say it a lot anyway… but then some days I find myself just saying ‘oh fuck ooooff’ more than usual!
Today has been one of those days. Hell, it’s been one of those weeks!
I am all for talking about your issues and healing. I’m trying to get rid of all my negative shit and become all zen or something. But sometimes… I feel terrible to say, but I’m also all about honesty… sometimes I miss my bubble. I miss the days when I buried my pain, when I buried the bad memories under so much food I didn’t need to think about them. I miss my comfort zone.
This new place, this place where I talk about my issues and people know so they make me eat and eat correctly, and they watch me after I’ve eaten so I can’t go throw up my feelings. This place where I think about the damage that has been done and try to overcome it…. oh. Fuck. Ooooff!
I didn’t know when I decided to heal that I would open Pandora’s fucking box!! Who knew how much shit I buried in there under all that food?!
I want to heal. I need to heal. I want to let go and to get out of my comfort zone. I want to experience my life and do new things and just live.
But today, today I just want to say fuck oooff to all the bad memories and the horrible feelings and the worry that I’ve eaten 3 actual meals today and I feel sick. Fuck oooff to the barely any sleep this week. Fuck oooff to my body that is confused at my trying to eat real meals so I’m bloating. Fuck off fuck off fuck off.
Doesn’t even look like a word anymore.
Recovery is bumpy, yesterday I pushed myself to try something new even though I felt like crap and I loved it. Today I forgive myself that instead of working out like my friend came over to do, we sat and chatted about life.
Some days you will surprise yourself at what you can achieve and you celebrate yourself. Some days you won’t do as much but you celebrate yourself anyway.
Yesterday I went way out of my comfort zone and tried something new – fucking well done me!
Today it was a struggle to leave the house, but I ate 3 meals and didn’t throw up – fucking well done me!
In the interest of looking for the positives even when you have to look harder – today I am grateful for:
- Dry shampoo (girls you feel me here)
- Coffee (this one I can use every day)
- I did not get caught in traffic and my playlist was on a good shuffle on the way in to work.
- My friends and family are fucking awesome.
- My friend also didn’t want to work out so wasn’t disappointed when I asked if we could just relax.
Stay strong warriors! Keep fighting the fight. I am right there in the trenches with you. It’s pretty shitty, but we just need a good playlist to keep us going!