Reflection

Today has been such a big deal for me. I didn’t even realise how big of a deal until I took a little moment to reflect. I’ll start with a little back story for understanding.

I applied for a job and when I read the advert some weeks ago, I saw right at the bottom: ‘the interviews will be held in Titchfield.’ I read that and submitted my application anyway. Now there was a time that I wouldn’t have even applied for the job if I’d read that. I wouldn’t have cared how good the job was – I was not making my way to Titchfield for the interview by myself, nope. Well I passed the application process and got invited to interview which I had today – fingers crossed for me everyone!

Last night I was feeling so nervous. I wasn’t even that nervous for the interview, I knew that I had prepared, I was ready and what will be will be. I was really nervous about the travel. My train this morning was at 7:44am – that meant I had to be up, dressed (presentable for an interview) and out of the house by 7:15am! I am not a morning person and I am normally still in bed at that time! I have had nightmares that I was late. I never dreamt of the interview itself, in my dreams I didn’t even make it there. This morning when I left the house just after 7:15am and made it to the train station with time to spare I was so relieved! I felt amazing, I was all like ‘Yeeeah look at me bossing life – screw you anxiety!!’.

Then it happened… the train arrived, I barely made it on because I wasn’t ballsy enough to push my way on. I got on the wrong carriage (because people were blocking the right one) and then I suddenly couldn’t speak to ask anyone to move so I could find my paid for seat. I thought to myself – ‘no problem, at the next stop I will find my seat’. That did not happen; it took me 3-4 stops, almost crying, getting trapped amongst a bunch of tall people and a wall where I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe, and almost falling into a full blown panic attack and pulling the emergency stop.

I am fully aware of how silly and possibly crazy that may sound. Those who don’t get anxiety will probably want to say “get a grip woman” to those that understand anxiety though… you feel me!

I was texting my family the whole time, while they tried to encourage me, calm me down and convince me to just ask people to move. You know what was awesome though? A complete stranger was getting off and stopped to ask me if I was ok. There are wonderful humans in the world. I totally couldn’t say anything more than ‘yeeeah’ and I was visibly shaking, so obviously lying about being ok! Thank you to that lovely human because it encouraged me to move, which eventually got me to my seat! There I managed to calm my breathing, set myself up to start prepping for the interview and was back on track.

After about 30 minutes of writing down all the awesome things I have achieved in work and could talk about in my interview, I felt fully prepared. I didn’t want to over think it, so I put my papers away and decided to relax. It was only while I was sat listening to my audiobook, having just done a little meditation, that I realised – ‘I am on the way to Titchfield for a job interview, on my freaking own!!!’ I am not entirely sure as I write this, but as sad as it may sound to some, the 3 hours train journey is the actual furthest I have ever travelled alone!! For real. I am 28 next week and I very rarely travel anywhere alone! BIG. DEAL!

I am telling you this because a year ago I wouldn’t be here. A year ago I wouldn’t have applied for a job that I really really want because I would have let anxiety and depression stop me. I am not all healed, but I am living anyway. I am continuing to grow, change, better myself and recover. I get bad days, I have minor setbacks, major setbacks even, but I keep going. Four years ago I almost gave up on my life, I believed at that time that I could never feel happy again. This morning I sat on that train, grinning like a Cheshire cat because I was out there living my life despite it all.

To anyone that feels like they are lost, in the dark, empty: you are not alone. You can live, and be happy despite it all. You can have, be or do anything you set your mind to (just as my bestie tells me all the time). Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, eating disorders, or anything else that you may have, it can’t stop you. It will take time, it will take work, it will sometimes feel like you’re going to get whiplash from going back and forth on the recovery road. I promise you though, it will be worth it.

Stay Strong Warriors 💜

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