Recovery is a road that terrifies me sometimes. It’s also a road that excites me.
Along this road I never know what I’m going to come up against. I have hit bumps I didn’t know I’d hit. I have unearthed some buried issues. I have acknowledged some long standing issues that I had ignored. I turned a previously binge eating disorder into a binge fast cycle. I started making myself sick when I got overly anxious. I lost a lot of weight through this and still now feel guilty when people compliment me on my weight loss.
I have felt like I opened Pandora’s box – my own personal Pandora’s box, a Jade box, with all my inner demons! At times I felt like people didn’t understand or accept my pain. Some see me doing well and think it’s all gone. Some people don’t recognise my disordered eating because I’m still overweight – so because I’m not ‘skinny’ I should still be doing everything I can to lose weight, whether or not it’s healthy. Trying to love yourself in a world that teaches you from a young age, you should always want to change, is so hard! (Shout out to my people that encourage me to love myself every day!)
I’ve wanted to give up, go back into the black hole of numbness and stay there. I’ve wanted to jump straight off the recovery road because I was afraid of what could happen next.
Then there’s the good side of recovery. I have made it over those bumps…
(I picture some epic journey over a snowy mountain, twists and turns all the time… I feel like Drew Barrymore would play me in the movie. It would be epic! 🤔 Actually to most it would be a small hill, like a mole hill… see what I did there?)
Ahem… back on track…
I have worked through some of those long buried issues. I have acknowledged and forgiven myself for some of the mistakes I’ve made. I’ve also dealt with and forgiven some of the people that hurt me. I have discovered new and healthy ways of coping with my pain. I have learned to stand up for myself, to speak up when someone hurts me. *sings This is Me from The Greatest Showman*
I have done things I never would have done before:
• I applied for a job even though I’d have to travel for the interview, and got it!
• I booked a holiday to New York for just me! I’m not going for a few months but it’s almost paid, no going back now!
• I have let other people book holidays for me and not planned a single thing.
• I have not prepared for those holidays until the last minute and didn’t over think it.
• I travelled to France by myself to surprise my sister in Disneyland.
I could go on for ages but those have been the biggest things for me so far!
It’s not always easy, I still slip back into old habits. I sometimes feel like I am standing on a cliff edge – if I look straight ahead, the view is beautiful. I can see all the wonderful things that are there for me. Then if I look down, I see a black hole. So yeah, I’m both good and bad. I’m healing and recovering and becoming this person that I’m so proud of. I am feeling so much love for the people around me, those that support, encourage and inspire me. I’m also damaged, I have scars and some still open wounds. Sometimes I feel empty and then terrified that it won’t go. Sometimes I feel like a badass warrior.
This pain that has been with me since childhood, it was never going to go away over night. Maybe I will always be both. Honestly though, as much as some days I wish to just be untroubled by these things – it all makes me who I am. It makes me the person that is able to help others. I make a difference in people’s lives by sharing my story, by encouraging and inspiring others to join me on the road of recovery. I am a more caring person because of my pain. I believe that everything happens for a reason, I might not have all the answers yet, but I can’t wait to find out where my road is leading.
It’s ok to be ok, and not ok at the same time.
To anyone in the dark, let these words be your light. There can be joy again. Stand in the sun with me ☀️ it’s ok if it rains. When it rains, we dance it out 💃🏼🕺(my fellow Shondaland fans will get these references. Shondaland for life!)
Stay strong warriors 💜