Sunday is my day of resetting, recharging, cleaning, sometimes gyming and today a little bit of blogging.
This morning I sat and thought about everything that has been going on with me lately. There have been setbacks, heartbreak, tears, anxiety meltdowns, questioning my choices, feeling like I can’t go on…
There have also been wonderful moments, love, breakthroughs, happy memories made, overcoming fears, pushing out of comfort zones.
I read a quote about forgetting how far you’ve come, because you’ve been busy looking forward. I’ve totally been doing that. I have been so busy focusing on what’s coming next, that I haven’t spent much time thinking about how far I’ve come. Sometimes it just hits me and I can’t quite believe it’s real. I can’t believe that I am living this life and not just getting from one day to the next. It’s not all sunshine and roses, nobody’s life ever is, but my goodness even with my setbacks, it is so much better than it has ever been.
I am reminded by my tribe that have seen me through this journey, just how much I’ve grown. One friend told me that I am still the same person, I am just no longer hiding. I feel like this is true, the person that I am now, she has always been there. I was just buried under fear, depression, anxiety… I wanted to do the things I’m doing now, I just always said “I can’t”. Now I am pushing back on that fear. I am challenging my negative ‘What if it all goes wrong’ with ‘but what if it all goes right?’.
I still feel pain, sadness, fear… I just let myself feel it. I really feel it, I open myself up to it and let it in. I spent years of my life fighting the pain and never winning. Mental illness doesn’t work that way, you can’t just switch it off, I’m sure everyone would if they could. By fighting it, I only made it worse, it lasted longer and took longer to heal. Now when it happens, I remind myself that this feeling is only visiting, and it is ok to let it in and feel it.
Last week I spent the best part of three days sobbing uncontrollably because my heart was breaking. I have not let myself cry like that in actual years! My bestie, being the awesome human that she is, turned up at my house, in full armour on her white horse, ready to fight my battles for me! I was already crying but man did it open up the floodgates the second she walked in the room. You know that loud, ugly face, heaving crying… yeah it was a sight to be seen I’m sure! She climbed into my bed and lay with me, without saying a word for what felt like hours while I cried.
The next day, my momma came into my room (where I was still crying – how I didn’t end up dehydrated I’ll never know) and told me she had run a bath for me and my sister was coming over for a movie night and take away. What a wonderful tribe I have right?! Even through their own troubles they are right there to support me, as I am with them. Ride or die tribe vibes over here!!
I allowed myself to feel it, to cry, to breakdown, but I also acknowledged that this pain wouldn’t last. I told myself that I have survived 100% of my heart breaks, trauma and bad days so far and I could survive this too. I reminded myself that I have people like my bestie, my momma, my sister and the rest of my tribe, ready to help me back up when I fall. If I have learned one thing on this recovery journey, it’s that I do not need to face it alone.
A week later and I’ve just come back from a wonderful trip to London. The first part of my trip I did all by myself, which was a huge step for me! I am so proud of the woman I am allowing myself to be now. I wouldn’t be here without my tribe though, so thank you to my ride or die tribe. Those that sit with me in the dark and help pick me back up when I’m ready. I am grateful for you every single day!
Find your tribe, they are out there and they need you too!
I must stop writing now because the cleaning and resetting part of my Sunday has not started! I just want to say though… my usual sign off to my blogs is ‘stay strong warriors’ but as I wrote it today, I felt like I had to explain… staying strong doesn’t mean fighting it. It takes great strength to let the pain in, to talk about it, to really feel it. Sometimes it takes more strength to feel it than to fight it, but the outcome is so much better. So when I tell my fellow warriors to stay strong, I am not telling you to fight and bury your pain. Let in it and then let it leave, the sun always shines brightest after the rain!
Stay strong warriors 💜