New York New York!

I am writing this on very little sleep so if some of it doesn’t make sense I apologise!! I just need to say though… I bloody did it!!!

I have pushed through my fears and done many things on my recovery road. This though, this was the biggest so far.

I went to New York City all by myself. Alone. Completely and utterly alone.

Before I left I was spiralling. The day before my flight I wasn’t even excited. I reluctantly packed and faked excitement. When people asked me I told them I was just nervous. I was nervous, I was absolutely terrified! But I also felt a sadness so deep I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to enjoy a single minute of it all. A few people suggested that once I was there, I would feel better. I would feel so proud of myself for doing it, that I would forget for a little while of my sadness.

But that’s not how it works I thought. My heart feels broken and my mind won’t switch off, how am I supposed to forget that? Well maybe because I have never pushed that far out of my comfort zone when I felt that bad, I have never managed to experience it.

I felt it though! I didn’t forget completely, it was still there in the back of my mind. It wasn’t in the way though. I explored, I laughed, I chatted to people, I totally bossed the crowds which would have given me panic attacks before. I bloody did it! It felt good! It felt like an actual break from my pain, even if it never went completely.

My driver on the way back to the airport brought up anxiety in crowds, I agreed and told him I used to have panic attacks. He was so relieved to know that it wasn’t just him, it felt so wonderful to give him that. A simple cry of “me too!” which has made someone feel less alone. We talked for the entire journey and agreed on the importance of pushing through your fears. There are many quotes about comfort zones and how ‘life blossoms on the other side of your comfort zone’ or something like that. I have never agreed with that more than I do right now.

It may feel terrifying. You may want to stay in the sadness, because you know what to expect, it’s normal… but get out. Push yourself to do the things that scare you. Speak your truth. Face your fears. Get out of your comfort zone and see how the world blossoms for you. Sometimes you’ll have setbacks. You’ll speak your truth and not get the answer you want, if any at all, but you’ll survive. You’ll push out of your comfort zone and something might go wrong, but you’ll survive. You’ll face your fears and feel just as terrified, but you’ll survive. At least you tried, at least you gave it your best shot. It might not go how you expect or how you want it to go, but it beats the hell out of never trying, always wondering what if. Instead of what if it all goes wrong… ask yourself, what if it all goes right?

Be free, be brave. Stay strong warriors 💜

How are you?

I met up with friends yesterday and I was visibly sad. My one friend asked “why didn’t you tell me earlier when I asked how you were?” my answer was that I thought I was ok, but it changed. She told me that I should have told her it changed.

How many people do that though? When it changes, especially when it changes suddenly, do you tell people? I am mostly an open book when I am not that bad. But the worse I get, the harder it gets to just speak up.

So when people do ask how you are, do you lie? You can normally tell when it was a greeting rather than a question. When people ask how you are, a lot of the time, it’s just small talk. They don’t really want to know, they are not really asking. If I can muster up the energy to lie, I’ll tell them “not too bad” or “fine, just tired”. Sometimes I just flat out ignore the question.

Them: “Hey Jade how are you?”

Me: “Oh heey, how are you?”

Most people don’t even notice. Of the ones that do notice, very few will bother to ask again.

Someone I don’t know from another mental health page asked me how I was earlier. I didn’t want to lie, so I typed out exactly how I was. Then I selected the whole message, cut, and sent “not too bad how are you?”.

I have been seemingly happy this week to those that don’t know me or care to notice. Halloween is my favourite holiday. I have danced, laughed, been out with friends, talked a lot about all my exciting plans. There have been times where I have felt totally ok. But usually when I am driving or sat alone in a meeting room in work, or at home, I sigh big endless sighs. I start to tear up and think I’m about to cry, then nothing. I put on music and force myself to sing to cheer up, then realise that 3 songs have played and I’ve been silent and lost in my thoughts.

When asked how I was, before I sent my lie tonight, this is what I wrote:

“Like I’m doing really well and taking big steps. Then I catch myself feeling totally and completely lost and my heart beats so hard that I feel like it’ll surely burst. I want to cry or scream but nothing comes out. I want to see my friends but I don’t want to go out. I want to ask them for help, but every time I go to write a message, I think that I’m a burden and a drama queen. They have their own problems, they don’t need this shit from me. They don’t even like me, they just don’t know how to tell me without hurting my feelings. So instead of reaching out to my maybe friends, I am isolating myself and crying tearless sobs in my room while my heart tries to burst out of my chest and my head is so full I feel like I might pass out.”

Once I sent my lie, I got straight to writing this blog. I know that I will feel better. I know that this too shall pass. I know I have felt way worse than this and survived. I know I will be ok, but I also know that my self sabotaging brain is in isolation mode. So to my people that I haven’t contacted. To the ones I’ve seemed distant with. The ones that I keep pushing away. I’m sorry. This too shall pass.

Ahh the battles we fight. Speaking up gives me strength. Tomorrow is a new day.

Stay strong warriors 💜