I met up with friends yesterday and I was visibly sad. My one friend asked “why didn’t you tell me earlier when I asked how you were?” my answer was that I thought I was ok, but it changed. She told me that I should have told her it changed.
How many people do that though? When it changes, especially when it changes suddenly, do you tell people? I am mostly an open book when I am not that bad. But the worse I get, the harder it gets to just speak up.
So when people do ask how you are, do you lie? You can normally tell when it was a greeting rather than a question. When people ask how you are, a lot of the time, it’s just small talk. They don’t really want to know, they are not really asking. If I can muster up the energy to lie, I’ll tell them “not too bad” or “fine, just tired”. Sometimes I just flat out ignore the question.
Them: “Hey Jade how are you?”
Me: “Oh heey, how are you?”
Most people don’t even notice. Of the ones that do notice, very few will bother to ask again.
Someone I don’t know from another mental health page asked me how I was earlier. I didn’t want to lie, so I typed out exactly how I was. Then I selected the whole message, cut, and sent “not too bad how are you?”.
I have been seemingly happy this week to those that don’t know me or care to notice. Halloween is my favourite holiday. I have danced, laughed, been out with friends, talked a lot about all my exciting plans. There have been times where I have felt totally ok. But usually when I am driving or sat alone in a meeting room in work, or at home, I sigh big endless sighs. I start to tear up and think I’m about to cry, then nothing. I put on music and force myself to sing to cheer up, then realise that 3 songs have played and I’ve been silent and lost in my thoughts.
When asked how I was, before I sent my lie tonight, this is what I wrote:
“Like I’m doing really well and taking big steps. Then I catch myself feeling totally and completely lost and my heart beats so hard that I feel like it’ll surely burst. I want to cry or scream but nothing comes out. I want to see my friends but I don’t want to go out. I want to ask them for help, but every time I go to write a message, I think that I’m a burden and a drama queen. They have their own problems, they don’t need this shit from me. They don’t even like me, they just don’t know how to tell me without hurting my feelings. So instead of reaching out to my maybe friends, I am isolating myself and crying tearless sobs in my room while my heart tries to burst out of my chest and my head is so full I feel like I might pass out.”
Once I sent my lie, I got straight to writing this blog. I know that I will feel better. I know that this too shall pass. I know I have felt way worse than this and survived. I know I will be ok, but I also know that my self sabotaging brain is in isolation mode. So to my people that I haven’t contacted. To the ones I’ve seemed distant with. The ones that I keep pushing away. I’m sorry. This too shall pass.
Ahh the battles we fight. Speaking up gives me strength. Tomorrow is a new day.
Stay strong warriors 💜