I am writing this on very little sleep so if some of it doesn’t make sense I apologise!! I just need to say though… I bloody did it!!!
I have pushed through my fears and done many things on my recovery road. This though, this was the biggest so far.
I went to New York City all by myself. Alone. Completely and utterly alone.
Before I left I was spiralling. The day before my flight I wasn’t even excited. I reluctantly packed and faked excitement. When people asked me I told them I was just nervous. I was nervous, I was absolutely terrified! But I also felt a sadness so deep I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to enjoy a single minute of it all. A few people suggested that once I was there, I would feel better. I would feel so proud of myself for doing it, that I would forget for a little while of my sadness.
But that’s not how it works I thought. My heart feels broken and my mind won’t switch off, how am I supposed to forget that? Well maybe because I have never pushed that far out of my comfort zone when I felt that bad, I have never managed to experience it.
I felt it though! I didn’t forget completely, it was still there in the back of my mind. It wasn’t in the way though. I explored, I laughed, I chatted to people, I totally bossed the crowds which would have given me panic attacks before. I bloody did it! It felt good! It felt like an actual break from my pain, even if it never went completely.
My driver on the way back to the airport brought up anxiety in crowds, I agreed and told him I used to have panic attacks. He was so relieved to know that it wasn’t just him, it felt so wonderful to give him that. A simple cry of “me too!” which has made someone feel less alone. We talked for the entire journey and agreed on the importance of pushing through your fears. There are many quotes about comfort zones and how ‘life blossoms on the other side of your comfort zone’ or something like that. I have never agreed with that more than I do right now.
It may feel terrifying. You may want to stay in the sadness, because you know what to expect, it’s normal… but get out. Push yourself to do the things that scare you. Speak your truth. Face your fears. Get out of your comfort zone and see how the world blossoms for you. Sometimes you’ll have setbacks. You’ll speak your truth and not get the answer you want, if any at all, but you’ll survive. You’ll push out of your comfort zone and something might go wrong, but you’ll survive. You’ll face your fears and feel just as terrified, but you’ll survive. At least you tried, at least you gave it your best shot. It might not go how you expect or how you want it to go, but it beats the hell out of never trying, always wondering what if. Instead of what if it all goes wrong… ask yourself, what if it all goes right?
Be free, be brave. Stay strong warriors 💜