I keep seeing a quote pop up (which of course I can’t find when I want to reference it) something about the tools you used to survive may not be the same ones to heal. I’ve definitely got the wording wrong but the message is there.
The tools I used to survive were binging, be it food or shopping, starving, purging, cutting, isolation… I could go on but basically, yes they helped me to survive, but they will not help me to heal. The only two I can really say that I have not done this year is cutting and purging. These two were my biggest release and two of the worst physically. The others I have been consciously working on doing less of… not going to lie, the shopping one has been my go to recently. This might sound like the best, but my bank balance does not agree. I have very little really to show for my excessive spending, so although I have not physically hurt myself, mentally it’s damaged me. I have undone years of hard work to manage money better and save, now it feels like I am starting from scratch.
Lately I have been struggling so have wanted to turn to my old methods of coping. I have focused so damn hard on trying to hold myself together without them, that I forgot about the many healthy tools I have. I’ve isolated myself and not spoken my truth all that much. I stopped meditating. I stopped taking long baths to relax (it’s where my best blogs come from, I’m writing from the bath right now! How have I ignored this one?!) I have bent over backwards (when I’m not isolating) to put other people’s needs and feelings first. I’ve filled my diary and not taken time alone, to the point that I made myself ill.
You know what though? That’s ok. I forgive myself for that.
I tell other people to put their mental health first yet often I don’t do that. I am pulling myself back on track though. I am speaking my truth. I am standing up for myself and my mental health. I am putting myself first. I am surrounding myself with people that build me up, not bring me down. I am doing the things that I want to do and prioritising the people and things that bring me the most joy. I am deep into this journey of recovery, yes I have set backs but man am I learning (then forgetting, then relearning) some things along the way.
- It is not selfish to take time out for myself.
- It is ok to say no to people and I am not obligated to explain myself.
- It is ok and very important to speak my truth.
- My mental health and my happiness should be my priority.
- I cannot pour from an empty cup.
- I am worth more than what I look like.
- Other people’s opinions on what I look like or what I eat, are none of my concern and likely stem from their own insecurities.
Another quote, which popped into my head while writing this:
It’s ok if you fall down and lose your spark. Just make sure that when you get back up, you rise as the whole damn fire. – Colette Werden
So I am getting back up and I am the whole. Damn. Fire.
Stay strong warriors 💜