So that thing, that thing we don’t talk about… it’s eating disorders. I’ve mentioned it in previous blogs but I don’t often talk about how much I struggle with it. It’s one of those things that people assume, because I don’t mention it, because they see me eating, it must be gone. They think, because I’ve not drastically lost any more weight and I’ve promised that I haven’t made myself sick in ages, that I’m all healed. Well, I hate to piss all over that parade, but I’m still working this one out.
For me this is yet another invisible illness. Not sure if you’ve looked at me… but I don’t exactly look like the stereotypical girl with an eating disorder. I am not skinny, but my relationship with food is not healthy. Every day is a struggle for me to either eat, or stop eating. Some days I feel so stressed or so fat and worthless that I will barely eat anything. Other days I will eat and eat and eat until I feel utterly gross and can’t move. I have also stopped exercising all together and totally berated myself for that too. I might as well come clean here… I have definitely made myself sick recently.
I went to the doctors the other day and they asked me to step on the scales. Now usually when this happens, I specify that I don’t want to know my weight. I’ll admit right here and now, I purposely didn’t ask that. I let them tell me my weight. I sat and listened while they told me how much weight I had put on and how it was bad for my health. Rather than snapping back with some body positive, BMI doesn’t mean shit, health isn’t all about size response… I stood there and took it because I felt like I deserved to be ‘told off’. I took that lecture right into my soul and internally scorned myself for ‘letting myself go’. I have been struggling. I knew I’d put on weight. I feel it in my clothes, I can see it in the mirror. I have already been beating myself up for that. Other stresses have made me want to turn to my eating disorder for comfort. I used to make myself sick when I felt really anxious. Eating disorders are not always all about weight. When I feel like I am spiralling, like I can’t control what’s going on around me, I want to turn to my ED as my way of taking control. I have felt really bloody anxious, stressed, sad, disappointed… add to that, my feeling unattractive, fat and worthless, maaan I have wanted to be sick, way more than I actually have been.
This time of year can be tricky for a lot of people. Especially for those with eating disorders or body image issues. Personally, it’s not about the time of year, but I say this so others may be more mindful. Check in on your people.
Right now I am trying to take some time to focus on what I do love about myself (loving my hair at the moment). I am trying not to focus on the areas I don’t love and I’m working again on healthier ways to deal with my anxiety. Hence this blog!
Stay strong warriors 💚