I haven’t written a blog in over a year. After writing so much (even if I didn’t always share) this seems so odd.
It’s not that I suddenly got all healed and didn’t need to. I actually stopped writing because honestly, with everything that was/is going on in the world, I never felt like my words would be worthy. So much pain, so much loss, so many voices fighting to be heard, when they should never have had to fight at all. In all of this, I kind of lost my voice. My mental illness never left me, but I had some good things happen. Big life things that normally, I would have wanted to shout from the rooftops… but with all the pain and all the loss, I also felt like I didn’t deserve to celebrate. How could I celebrate my happiness when there was so much suffering? Then, when I have struggled, I’ve subconsciously thought, who am I to add my voice to the masses? There are other people that need to be heard. Even though I’ve had moments of bad depression, raging anxiety, I’ve hurt myself, I’ve slipped on my self care and I’ve not listened to my needs. Even with all of that, I still have this deep feeling that I should only be grateful and I don’t deserve to feel this way.
How funny is that? Since when did mental illness only apply if everything is bad. Since when is it only justifiable if my life sucks? I may have had some good stuff happen, but I still spent months unable to see or hug my family and friends. I still felt isolated, scared, lonely and trapped. I also still have mental illness that doesn’t give a crap if things are going good or not.
Another thing I’ve noticed is how much I am apologising again. Apologising for speaking out, for taking up space. I saw my mum and actually felt guilty for talking about me. The good and the bad. I felt bad, because I feel like I’m too much, that I am not worthy of the space to talk. I’ve been struggling a lot with stress and often feel like I am a burden to the people I talk to about it. I have felt like I am a poison, infecting everyone around me and that I just need to shut the hell up. I have felt like a failure that I’ve needed to ask for help in work. Felt like nothing I do is ever good enough. I’ve felt the weight of my imposter syndrome crushing me every day. I don’t feel like I’ve been silent, I feel like every cell in my body has been screaming but nothing is happening. I need to take better care of myself I know this. I also need to share. I need to share because I know I’m not alone. I know other people are feeling this way and I know that my voice can help someone. Knowing that I can maybe help even one person, that gives me hope and lights up some of the dark.
I stopped using my voice, my experiences and my hurt for good. I’m not saying I’m some sort of saviour, but I know full well it helps to know we are not alone.
You are not alone.
You are allowed to take up space.
It is ok to feel crappy sometimes, even if from the outside it looks OK.
It is also perfectly OK to cry, to be real and raw. It doesn’t make you a failure it makes you human.
You are not alone.
Stay strong warriors 💜